apathy

apathy
/ˈapəθi/
noun
  1. lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

I’ve been finding myself with very low motivation of late. Even taking photos has been very difficult to do…

…not only does one have to take photos…

…but then one has to process them…

…and then upload them…

…all too much effort!

this all could be a symptom of depression…

…and depression has been the ‘black dog’ that has been with me since I was 18.

I recently did three weeks of house-sitting. (Dog and a cat). The whole time I felt really bad, and very flat. I was expecting it to be a very pleasant time away from my home, and quality time with the animals. But my experience was the opposite. Very distressing.

Also I recently (last weekend) had a gastroenteritis problem, and ended up in the emergency ward of my local hospital…

Now this has me feeling very unsure about food, and eating food.

That was my second hospitalization, as about a month ago, I had a major panic attack, and ended up in an ambulance and then hospital. No good!

All i want to do is sit on my couch and drink red wine, eat corn chips, and watch TV shows.

It was only today when I needed to:

…buy some Christmas cards…

…write inside them…

…and then put addresses on them…

…and then post them…

I thought… maybe I’m depressed.

faith mix

my other passion is music.

since i was a teeenager i would listen to meloncolic music.

any music/lyrics that represented my reality or i could relate to, i would enjoy.

here is a selection of my top few…

***

Holocaust
(Alex Chilton)

Your eyes are almost dead
Can’t get out of bed
And you can’t sleep
You’re sitting down to dress
And you’re a mess
You look in the mirror
You look in your eyes
Say you realize
Everybody goes
Leaving those who fall behind
Everybody goes
As far as they can
They don’t just care
They stood on the stairs
Laughing at your errors
Your mother’s dead
She said, “Don’t be afraid”
Your mother’s dead
You’re on your own
She’s in her bed
Everybody goes
Leaving those who fall behind
Everybody goes
As far as they can
They don’t just care
You’re a wasted face
You’re a sad eyed lie
You’re a holocaust

***

Fond affections
(Rema Rema)

T.M.C.

Fond affections are never said
They’re only sung in songs
I never was naive enough to know when I was wrong
There’s no light at the end of it all
Let’s all sit down and cry
There’s no light at the beginning
Let’s all sit down and cry
Now it’s time to say goodbye
Now it’s being forced upon you
It’s just that person by your side remaining distant
Now the winter’s growing close
The days are getting older
I can tell by your face
That your heart is getting colder
There’s no light at the end of it all
Let’s all sit down and cry
There’s no light at the beginning
Let’s all sit down and cry

***

Sometimes

M.B.V.

Close my eyes
Feel me now
I don’t know how you could not love me now
You will know, with her feet down to the ground
Over there, and I want true love to grow
You can’t hide, oh no, from the way I feel

Turn my head
Into sound
I don’t know when I lay down on the ground
You will find the (way it) hurts to love
Never cared, and the world turned hearts to love
We will see, oh now, in a day or two
You will wait
See me go
I don’t care, when you’re head turned all alone
You will wait, when I turn my eyes around
Overhead when I hold you next to me
Overhead, to know the way I see

Close my eyes
Feel me now
I don’t know, maybe you could not hurt me now
Here alone, when I feel down too
Over there, when I await true love for you
You can hide, oh now, the way I do
You can see, oh now, oh the way I do

***

The Eternal

Joy Division

Procession moves on, the shouting is over,
Praise to the glory of loved ones now gone.
Talking aloud as they sit round their tables,
Scattering flowers washed down by the rain.
Stood by the gate at the foot of the garden,
Watching them pass like clouds in the sky,
Try to cry out in the heat of the moment,
Possessed by a fury that burns from inside.

Cry like a child, though these years make me older,
With children my time is so wastefully spent,
A burden to keep, though their inner communion,
Accept like a curse an unlucky deal.
Played by the gate at the foot of the garden,
My view stretches out from the fence to the wall,
No words could explain, no actions determine,
Just watching the trees and the leaves as they fall.

***

Faith

The Cure

Catch me if I fall
I’m losing hold
I can’t just carry on this way
And every time
I turn away
Lose another blind game
The idea of perfection holds me
Suddenly I see you change
Everything at once
The same
But the mountain never moves

Rape me like a child
Christened in blood
Painted like an unknown saint
There’s nothing left but hope
Your voice is dead
And old
And always empty
Trust in me through closing years
Perfect moments wait
If only we could stay
Please
Say the right words
Or cry like the stone white clown
And stand forever
Lost forever in a happy crowd

No one lifts their hands
No one lifts their eyes
Justified with empty words
The party just gets better and better

I went away alone
With nothing left
But faith