mental health

Childhood Abandonment and Family

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about families and how helpful they can be, especially Spanish speaking families and the strong bonds of love and support they have.

‘Family is everything’ they often say.

The love is very real, and both physical and emotional support of love is very self-evident in these families.

But for me ‘Family is Nothing’. No emotional support. No love. Nothing.

I was born into a family where my father didn’t just ‘not like me’ but had constant seething contempt for me. This was permanent and was there until his death.

My Mother was obsessed with my father, so no support from my mother.

Both my sisters were supporting each other, so once again no support there.

When I turned nine my middle sister suddenly stopped liking me and also started having seething contempt for me (just like me father). This continues to this day.

When I left home my father would write me these letters asking me to come home. My mother wanted me to come home apparently, and my father kept writing letters asking me to come home. I didn’t want to come home because my father hated me.

My parents would visit me when they would come to Adelaide, but these visits were approximately 10 to 20 minutes because my father could not bear to be around me. So it was a cup of coffee and they would get up and leave.

For me family is very unpleasant and unsupportive, so at some point I stopped having contact with them.

What are the results of this experience?

Intimate relationships trigger my family abandonment issues. It usually takes a while for them to kick in but I will start getting very angry when the partner does something I don’t like. I mean really angry. The problem is I can’t control it. And it has a devastating effect on the other person. The anger is my childhood trauma coming up.

The other issue is codependency. I act like the way I think the other person wants me to be. This acting takes a lot of energy, so I cannot maintain the illusion and have to have time out and be totally by myself to recover. This pattern keeps going as long as the other person can put up with me…then they end the relationship or I will.

Even around friends, if I go on holiday with them, I will need to have to have time out so I can just be myself.

All that hatred I experienced as a child has had me feeling very unworthy. I’ve spent most of my like feeling unloved and unworthy. Knowing this stuff is very powerful because awareness is gold.

Just good to get this out there and on paper. Gavin.

Ten keys to mental healthy-ness

1. Truth telling 

This one is the most important!

Mental health is the conformity of my mind with reality. It sounds really simple, but when we are not feeling well things can go sideways.

My family are NOT truth tellers. In fact, they tell BIG lies and then defend them fiercely.

It has taken me many years to fully get this step.

2. Inventory 

The unexamined life is not worth living – Socrates.

In order to find the truth, we need to take inventory of every part of our lives including our childhood experiences. This needs to happen not once, but needs to happen constantly. Examining our motives and looking closely at our behavior helps us to be honest.

3. Healthy eating 

This one is hard if you turn to junk food when you are not travelling well.

4. Avoid drugs and alcohol

I think they have their place. Alcohol saved me from suicide when I was in an impossible situation. Generally, I don’t recommend drugs or alcohol for your mental health.

5. Hobbies and interests

If we are going to live with purpose, interest and hobbies can help us find meaning and purpose in our lives.

7. Exercise 

Even if it is just walking, exercise can help our mental health.

6. Gratitude 

This little word is just SO important to help us see the good in our lives.

8. Read books and watch stuff that give you a positive vibe

I watch a lot of true crime stuff, airplane disasters, and disturbing movies, but I do offset it with positive stuff too.

9. Groups

Groups are a powerful way to improve mental health. When we see we are not alone things seem less overwhelming.

10. Sleep

Lack of good sleep had me suicidal at one point in my life. My medication helps me to have good sleep.

five traumas

trauma

noun1.

a deeply distressing or disturbing 

experience.”

a personal trauma like the death of a child”

2.MEDICINEphysical injury.”rupture of the diaphragm caused by blunt trauma”

1.Childhood sexual abuse. 6 to 9.
2. Domestic violence. First 16 years.
3. Being bashed and raped. Age 19.
4. Being relentlessly stalked. 2007 to 2010. Three and a half years.
5. Neighbour from hell. 2013 to 2022. Eight and a half years.

    As you can see if you add up all the years of trauma, there is a vast chunk of my life spent in trauma and abuse.

    The cost has mostly been on my mental health.

    Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Depression and more recently Bipolar 2.

    At the moment my biggest issues are isolation. Lack of exercise and a need to regulate my diet. Getting there slowly. I have stopped drinking altogether which is excellent…and it also saves me a lot of money. Nightmares are a constant issue, but I’ve been having them since I was four, so used to dealing with them.

    Grow has helped me a lot over the years.

    Whatever the level of disorder or other limitations in my life,
    my existing situation can be constantly improved by good
    habits of thinking and acting and cooperation with help.

    Gavin.