Father there – but not there

I was born in 1966 into a dysfunctional family. I didn’t ever have a relationship with my father because he didn’t want that with his kids.

Apparently, my eldest sister did spend time with my father for a while when she was a child. She said that this time she had was precious, but didn’t last.

So, my father would ignore me except when he was angry or when he wanted to make a fool of me. I was a sensitive child and wasn’t the typical male kid, but I was very good at calisthenics and all things fitness.

I just can’t understand why someone would have three children and then ignore them(?)

I ran away from home at age 16 because I could no longer put up with the mental/emotional and physical abuse from my father.

I moved to the city permanently and I avoided going home to visit my parents because of my father’s abuse.

I would get these letters from him asking me to come home because my mother wanted to see me. Over the years I got a lot of letters from him asking me to come home because of my mother. He never said anything about wanting to see me (in these letters).

Both my parents would visit me in the city (where I lived) every time they would come to the city, but they would only stay for ten minutes. I worked out this short time was all my father could put up with to see me. They would have a coffee and then leave. My father often gave me money. My mother said it was because he felt guilty. I will never know if this was true because my father refused to speak to me about anything other than: how’s your job? How’s your car? etc.

My father died in 1999. He was both not-a-good-person, and an intelligent and hard-working man. Even when I spoke to other people in the town (when he died) they said he was seen both as an arshole and a good person.

When I watch stuff on Netflix about families and the amazing bonds they can have I am baffled by it because I never had that with my family. I can well imagine how nice it would be. But I’ll never know the love of family.

Gavin.

I changed my name to Gavin when I was 33, hence the different name on the headstone.

16 thoughts on “Father there – but not there”

  1. Is it possible that your father didn’t ‘know how,’ to love? Or was his behavior deliberate? At least you weren’t singled out for abuse. It sounds like he was that way to most people. I was also born in 1966. My mother was the problematic one though and she is still alive.

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  2. Also, you are into fitness which is great. I’ve been in and out of fitness. When I was doing it I was serious about it and made significant and long lasting changes to my physique. Working out was a way to release the understandable anger that I had as an abused youth and adult.

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      1. Im working on that right now. I myself lost fitness over the years. It’s now or never. Trying to get it back.

  3. I’m proud of you for sharing your story, speaking and writing can help us process the pain from our past. I didn’t have a good childhood either and like you will not know what the feeling of growing up in a healthy household means. I was blessed to move in with my grandparents at 14 and I finally knew what unconditional love was. I got very lucky. Sending a big hug!

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      1. I start to tell my story on here then I chicken out because its too intense and too personal I can’t do it. I hope to do it one day

      2. I hear you. Too me many years to approach the tast. I got lots of help from a 12 step group called Grow (mental health support). This gave me the confidence to write stuff. G

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