little goat

i was scared of you from the word ‘go’
you didn’t see me, but you used me as your special little goat
i hid in a makeshift house that followed me from room to room
i was spider-man
swinging from veranda to clothesline

you took away my innocents
you used me for your pleasure
without my consent
you said: “you must not tell anyone”.

from age to teens
you chose me to hate
i hide among the weeds
skipping school, to stare up at the blue sky
the mice were my only friends

when i escaped, i was in a state of pure ecstasy
free from violence, free from hatred
i danced all night
i slept by day, under the palm tree
i was free…

then my demons returned to roost among the pigeons
you tracked me down
to use me again for your own pain
i never went back to live
my neck was frozen
i could not move

i lived a dream of body narcissism
day by day
i stole what i thought was mine

you came along
like a God
you took me in your arms
at last i was loved
and so was my body

when you left i died
then i woke with fierce determination
to learn about the world
to find peace
to find the now
to find God
to find new friends
to find film and history

through crazy eyes
you stalked me to end of the earth
i was shattered
tried hard to stay afloat
dying inside

her i am
standing in front of you
my image machine
finding joy once more
the lens is my new friend
i found art once more
the tree had grown tall…
leading my life back to the soil

sedge808

some distant memory – electronic

I don’t know
If we could get lost in a city this size if we wanted to
And I don’t know
If I could survive without seeing you
And every time I see your face
I feel out of place

It’s so easy, why are you leaving?
Is it just because I’ve grown afraid of you?
I wish we were at the beginning
It would be so good to be with you

See that girl? She’s over there
I don’t need her, she don’t care
I could be one in a million
It would be so good to start again

_________________________________

i was going to do my fave albums of all time, but have decided to do songs instead.
this song is by Bernard Sumner & ex-Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr.

the part about growing afraid of you (ones wife/partner) relates to me a lot.

my PTSD was particularly pernicious in relationships, as, over time i would become more afraid/angry in a relationship as the PTSD kicked in.

this had nothing to do with the other person, but with my traumatic past.

all very painful for both parties.

sedge808.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic_(band)