food is not my friend

I’ve had an eating disorder since I was 17. This was the time I left home for good. It consists of ‘binge eating‘ or ‘compulsive overeating‘.

There have only been two periods in my life when my BMI Body Mass Index has been healthy.

  1. When I was on a strict macrobiotic diet for a year.
  2. When I was a fitness instructor, in my mid twenties.

The rest of the time I’ve been overweight.
I’ve had periods of bulimia in my twenties (binging and then purging with laxatives). These periods have been very extreme and unhealthy. The stress that laxatives put on the heart are intense.

So when I say: ‘food is not my friend‘, I mean, that if I eat anything, the eating disorder takes over and I want to continue eating and eating and eating…

I’ve had literally hundreds of meals of potato chips, followed by chocolate…and hundreds of meals of blue-vein cheese and rice crackers.

I would buy two packets of ‘sour cream and chives‘ rice crackers and 500gms of blue-vein cheese and eat them throughout the night. Very scary!
Sometimes this went go on for months!

I did go to O.A. Overeaters Anonymous for a while, but it was mostly women.

I also cannot see food as an addiction, (12 steps) in that ‘I am powerless over food’.

If I don’t eat I die.

I’ve had the hormone tests. Low in Leptin and high Ghrelin. This qualifies as an illness, so that’s why I call it an eating disorder, and not an addiction. It is also hereditary, as my mother also has it.

I still struggle with food today, but I no longer purge. Thankfully.


22 thoughts on “food is not my friend

  1. how brave of you to share, hopefully you find a balance and work towards making food your friend. Self love is such a hard thing to master, Have a good day

  2. Revealing a few of privacy is an act of courage, thank you for having done here.
    Food is not an enemy into reality!
    They are ” anxieties and negative emotions” when we try to fill an emotional void, or fill an “inner emptiness” with food.
    True, the sugar is in great triggering factor …
    It is necessary to find the self-respect
    by working particularly on negative emotions , taking care of health mentally and his body.
    Have a great day

  3. Omg I love sugar to! There is nothing better than sugar mixed with white flour. Lol. I’ve been there. Your not alone!! Eventually you will dig out. Its about your emotions. I’m still on a search for better ways of dealing with emotions and treating these awful disorders because the key to helping me is the key to helping others!

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